I’ve really not been wanting to do this recently. It’s really frustrating. It’s like it’s so many things. If I get behind one post, I’m overwhelmed by the fact that I have to write two that day - which I have to do today. I hate that I have to write them on my phone everyday because I no longer have a functioning computer. I’m a very spacial person and that alone alters what I write, how much I write, when I write, and even if I write. If my voice converter thing worked without me having to talk like a slow robot for it to understand me that might help.
Very recently I’ve felt more busy yet don’t feel like I’m fully reaping the benefits of my extra energy use. I’ve been focused on the doula stuff which I love but I’m overwhelmed slightly because there’s so much to read and get done before the class starts… In actuality, it isn’t even a whole lot, but the way my time’s been being taken up it feels like there’s not enough time to do it the way I want it done. And feeling like I need to focus on that stuff before the class starts has me neglecting the God/energy stuff that was making me feel more productive and honestly I feel is the reason I got in the class!
That experiment 2 took some of my energy, or maybe I gave it away. I was really motivated with #1 and since my perceived failure of #2 my energy has shifted. Or maybe the shift happened before 2 and caused the “failure”. I can certainly identify some things that went down in the past week that chipped away at my forward/positive thinking.
Yesterday I was kinda amped about writing my post because I was in an unexpectedly great mood. I worked from 11:45pm to 8:00am then went directly to job #2 from 8:45am to 3:30pm. I was worried about job 2 because I work with kids and they’re pretty well equipped to take advantage of a restless instructor. But when I met them and got to interact with them (I sub so it was my first time meeting them) it was cool. I had a great time with them and was full of energy after I left.
Then I went to pick up my mom from her store because I had her car. After getting there she realized she didn’t need a ride. Mind you, the school I subbed at is literally two streets away from my home. Thus I wasted time and gas (aka money) to go be told I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t mad or even annoyed though. I stayed there for like another hour talking to my mom and her peepls.
I was nervous to leave worrying about my mom walking by herself to her meeting that night and how she would get home. Although I knew she’d be doing the same thing I would do in her position - walk and bus - I still was worried about her. She’s slightly whiter than me walking through the hood. But she left me assured that it was a good choice for both her and me and she would let me know when she arrived safely.
I went home and finally dozed with enough time to get about 3 hours of sleep before I had to work. I woke up to my alarm and decided I wanted a few more minutes which led to me rewaking up 7 minutes into my shift.
Even that didn’t bother me as it does at times. I had a car to use, praise Allah, and I somehow was only 19 minutes late.
I really am blessed. After experiment 1 I was feeling like I could see the gold in focusing on the gold. It opens you up to maximum gold. I need to refocus on that. That means I need to pick that book back up and make it happen. Which might not happen until after the class this weekend. I don’t know yet but I know I’ll love and forgive myself however it goes… Sometimes it’s frustrating to leave possible negative outcomes to my decisions in the reassurance that either way I’ll love and forgive myself. When I’m in the place of judging myself, it feels like a cop out. But that’s why I need to get back in that book. I need my focus to be on the love and forgiving and not the judging. And that shit simply takes practice.
I have this gospel song, “The Best is Yet to Come” in my head and that’s what I want to affirm. My life really is fulfilling and the best is still yet to come. Ashe.
*meant for yesterday, 10/27/13
I was in bed most of this day. I played rugby Saturday which I was weary of because my tailbone has yet to heal. I did my best not to fall on my bum (which shouldn’t ever happen anyway and is likely why I hurt it in the first place) which caused me to fall on and bump and bruise every other part of my body.
In the first couple minutes I was tackled low and caught my body weight almost solely with my face. At another point I slammed head to head with one of my teammates-leaving my head hurt and bruised up, and leaving her with a nasty, bulging black eye. My shoulders, arms, neck, ankles, feet, calves, shins, and back are all hurting and bruised up. (That pretty much covers the whole body right?) ….oh yeah, and my left hand. Thank god it was lefty cuz that shit is hurtin. I couldn’t handle if it was my right!
So I basked in my pain all Sunday before being called to go work at the house I used to work at in Bushnell’s Basin for the overnight. That was nice because I knew I’d get to see my guys in the morning and they make my lack of sleep all worthwhile!
I am somebody! (Generic and to the point.) Ashe.
I haven’t started experiment 3 yet. I think on a subconscious level, it’s partially because I didn’t get the results I was looking for with experiment 2. Experiment 1 was super obvious for me and then 2 wasn’t. At the same time, I don’t feel like I went into it with as much zest as #1. Stuff came up this week that had my mind not as present and more doubtful than I would like.
My plan is to continue on with the experiments but I would like to come back to 2 and see if I’ll see it differently or get different results approaching it in a different mindset. So I’ll be starting #3 soon, but I’m not rushing. My mind has also been heavy in this pregnancy book.
I’m learning so much about pregnancy (obv, right?)… I previously felt like I knew exactly how I want my future pregnancies to be. Just a few chapters in, though, I realized I need to change the idea I have in my head.
It’s definitely ok to know what I want but I also need to be flexible. Pregnancy is not a cut and dry event - anything could happen at any point that make plans null and void, all to make a life possible. I can know what I’d prefer to happen, while still being prepared for if that can’t go according to plan. You don’t call the shots in this game. Certainly a key player, but not the sole factor.
It’s been nice. I’ve been securing my own pregnancy plan in my head. And knowing even that isn’t final because there’s some man who has to put his seed in me first and he respectfully has some say and input in the whole business.
It feels like this could be some larger message for my life—absolutely plan and make logical decisions, while admitting that life happens and, for some greater good, those plans can’t always go as preferred.
And it’s ok! Because a beautiful little baby with wonderful things to offer the world can be born amidst chaos. And a fat little caterpillar (I found another cattypillar in my lettuce and saved his fat little life too) can turn his chubby self into a gorgeous butterfly through hardwork and overcoming odds. I can handle the obstacles that come my way, be prepared for them, and turn them into something the world has yet to see! Can I get an ashe??
I seek gifts over shadows. I plan thoroughly and remain flexible to life’s unknowns. Ashe.
I keep getting behind and not realizing. I’m good. Been reading my pregnancy book and having everybody ask if I’m pregnant. I’m not.
I forgive me. Ashe.
Experiment two didn’t quite go as I’d expected but not a total fail either. I’m on break from moving onto #3 yet because one of the pregnancy books came in for the doula class. I wanna sink into that because it is long!
I set priorities. Life is a flowin. Ashe.
*Should have been posted 10/23, on my lovely bestie’s bday.
Busy day yesterday. Not too busy to post, but I didn’t. I was gonna talk about was how my experiment 2 wasn’t going so great.
I was supposed to be seeing punch buggies all around me and it wasn’t happening. J-net came over and chilled with me for her birthday and I told her the experiment wasn’t going well. We went for a ride to pick up E-money and on the ride J spotted a red punch bug in the #6 school parking lot.
So I was thinking maybe telling you guys that I couldn’t tell you what I was looking for may have blocked myself a bit from the field of potentiality. And maybe allowing people to help me accomplish a task isn’t so bad. Because as soon as I told someone what I was looking for, she helped me find it - the only punch bug I saw in 24 hours, in tv, print, or real life.
This next 24 I’m looking for bloomed flowers, which I’ve seen a good amount of yet.
I ask for support when I need it. I trust that my needs will be met. Ashe.
I’m moving onto experiment two. I definitely feel like experiment one was a success. I didn’t specify what I wanted my sign to be. I simply asked for it and received. It wasn’t a perfect two days but I absolutely received the confirmation I was looking for!
Experiment two hypothesizes that that which we focus on shows up in our reality. Many of us do ourselves the disservice of focusing on the negative side of situations and the situations flourish into more negativity.
I’m certainly guilty of this myself. It’s like when you’re so angry that you can’t find the remote that you’re blind to the fact that it’s sitting on the couch right next to you. If you focus on what isn’t, or what you don’t want, that’s exactly what you’ll get!
So for this experiment I’ve chosen two things to focus on to see if they show up in my reality. I’m not gonna say what the things are because I don’t want to unfairly taint the experiment and allow my few readers to bring these things to my awareness. I’m counting on the force to bring them to me!
The world reflects what I want to see. It’s nothing but my illusions that keep me from experiencing peace, joy, and love. I choose to draw positivity into my reality. Ashe.
So I’m getting how this whole thing works more now. It’s not that you give God a timeline and boom, miracle. It’s a two way street. I ask to be blessed, then I have to go and find my blessings. They’re there everyday, I just have to claim them as such.
So I started my experiment at 9:16am yesterday and they’ve been flowing in. It started in less than an hour, 10:15am, with a text from a friend who saw someone who made her think of me. Boom, blessed! That alone gave me hope for the experiment.
Then, while at work late last night or early this morning by your perspective, what I was looking for without knowing I was looking for it came. A friend told me last week about a doula class coming up in my area. This is a career path I’ve been passionately interested in for years.
Right now I’m not in the best or worst place financially but my family’s in a really bad place and I’ve been wanting to be careful about money to be able to help them. I was sure I couldn’t afford this class because of that. So I told myself now just wasn’t the time, maybe next year…
My friend texts me at 1 this morning to tell me, not only will they put me on a payment plan, but they also have extended the early registration price to today so I don’t even have to pay like $100 extra on the payment plan!
So I immediately contact the people to figure out details. I’m ready and able to put down up to $200 right now to secure my spot. The woman running registration tells me I can do three payments of $125 and the first isn’t due until the day the class starts - in 2 weeks! Plenty of time for me to have what she’s asking for and then some.
Wow! And my 48 hours isn’t even up yet! I definitely could live the rest of my life like this!
The power to change my life starts with a thought. I control my thoughts, and thus create my future! Ashe.
Alright. Experiment #1 is underway. I’m giving God - the limitless energy force, available for everyone’s use to access the lives of our dreams - a chance to show itself.
I’ll definitely have my eyes open, looking for you (like lost keys). And I’m confident you’ll show yourself to me. I look forward to the ways!
I create the life of my dreams. Ashe.
An arrow can be shot only by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great.
So just take a deep breath and keep aiming.
Louise Hay suggested this book, E Squared: 9 Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality, the other day. I went and got it today.
I haven’t gotten to experiment one quite yet as I’m sifting through the preface and intro, which are enlightening in their own right. This book will be my “doing” for the next month or so. I already believe in the power of the mind but I can certainly stand to practice that belief better so I look forward to the challenge ahead.
I write my own story. Ashe.