I’ve really not been wanting to do this recently. It’s really frustrating. It’s like it’s so many things. If I get behind one post, I’m overwhelmed by the fact that I have to write two that day - which I have to do today. I hate that I have to write them on my phone everyday because I no longer have a functioning computer. I’m a very spacial person and that alone alters what I write, how much I write, when I write, and even if I write. If my voice converter thing worked without me having to talk like a slow robot for it to understand me that might help.
Very recently I’ve felt more busy yet don’t feel like I’m fully reaping the benefits of my extra energy use. I’ve been focused on the doula stuff which I love but I’m overwhelmed slightly because there’s so much to read and get done before the class starts… In actuality, it isn’t even a whole lot, but the way my time’s been being taken up it feels like there’s not enough time to do it the way I want it done. And feeling like I need to focus on that stuff before the class starts has me neglecting the God/energy stuff that was making me feel more productive and honestly I feel is the reason I got in the class!
That experiment 2 took some of my energy, or maybe I gave it away. I was really motivated with #1 and since my perceived failure of #2 my energy has shifted. Or maybe the shift happened before 2 and caused the “failure”. I can certainly identify some things that went down in the past week that chipped away at my forward/positive thinking.
Yesterday I was kinda amped about writing my post because I was in an unexpectedly great mood. I worked from 11:45pm to 8:00am then went directly to job #2 from 8:45am to 3:30pm. I was worried about job 2 because I work with kids and they’re pretty well equipped to take advantage of a restless instructor. But when I met them and got to interact with them (I sub so it was my first time meeting them) it was cool. I had a great time with them and was full of energy after I left.
Then I went to pick up my mom from her store because I had her car. After getting there she realized she didn’t need a ride. Mind you, the school I subbed at is literally two streets away from my home. Thus I wasted time and gas (aka money) to go be told I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t mad or even annoyed though. I stayed there for like another hour talking to my mom and her peepls.
I was nervous to leave worrying about my mom walking by herself to her meeting that night and how she would get home. Although I knew she’d be doing the same thing I would do in her position - walk and bus - I still was worried about her. She’s slightly whiter than me walking through the hood. But she left me assured that it was a good choice for both her and me and she would let me know when she arrived safely.
I went home and finally dozed with enough time to get about 3 hours of sleep before I had to work. I woke up to my alarm and decided I wanted a few more minutes which led to me rewaking up 7 minutes into my shift.
Even that didn’t bother me as it does at times. I had a car to use, praise Allah, and I somehow was only 19 minutes late.
I really am blessed. After experiment 1 I was feeling like I could see the gold in focusing on the gold. It opens you up to maximum gold. I need to refocus on that. That means I need to pick that book back up and make it happen. Which might not happen until after the class this weekend. I don’t know yet but I know I’ll love and forgive myself however it goes… Sometimes it’s frustrating to leave possible negative outcomes to my decisions in the reassurance that either way I’ll love and forgive myself. When I’m in the place of judging myself, it feels like a cop out. But that’s why I need to get back in that book. I need my focus to be on the love and forgiving and not the judging. And that shit simply takes practice.
I have this gospel song, “The Best is Yet to Come” in my head and that’s what I want to affirm. My life really is fulfilling and the best is still yet to come. Ashe.